Pain, pain is not my friend...

For more than 1/2 of my life pain has lived with me but pain isn't my friend. It wakes me in the middle of the night when it feels like it, it drains me when I have to fight it, creeps up on me when I think I'm doing okay, tries to control me when I want to have a normal life.

 

But pain isn't my enemy, it doesn't control me, it fuels me, it's makes me fight, it gives me the fire to push the boundaries & determination to battle on.

People can see pain as a bad thing, I see pain like a companion that annoys & angers me but also encourages me to push harder, to beat it at its game. Pain has changed my life in ways I would never thought possible, changed me in ways as years gone on & will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

But pain has made me a better person, a better understanding of others around me. Pain is not my friend but it won't destroy me & no matter how tired it makes me, it will make me stronger the more it pushes me & hand me more challenges to overcome.

 

As one chapter closes, the next one starts

This morning I awoke for the 1st time in weeks feeling.. well the best I can describe it is feeling less dark, refreshed, a spring in my step & generally feeling less old. All I can say is that the past few months have made life feeling a tad dark inside & tiring mentally as well as physically & a lot older than I am & have felt in a long time. There's been a few changes in my life I can't undo & after the 1st decent night sleep last night in quite a while, I feel now it's time to close this chapter of my life for the past 10yrs & accept these changes are here to stay & time to open the next chapter of my life.

I know I won't be the person I worked so hard to be for the past decade, sure ain't gone how I want it & definitely not completely stick free. It hasn't been a complete failure, I have gained a lot from the past 10yrs & gained new experiences that will stay with me for life, etc... The next chapter has already gone off to a good start with having a job that I love, enjoy to be in & slowly expanding my knowledge & hours working there.

Cycling will still is part of my life, maybe not quite how I wanted it to go as have to watch my knee & make sure it don't flare up but not letting it disappear from my life like it did 20yrs ago. Cycling does help keep knee going & with me now working too it'll help the knee a lot. Also new bikes are on the cards as well as the continuing rebuild of my Roadrunner project to help with my knee as looking for more suitable lighter bikes.

 

The flat has been on hold with decorating for far too long, combination of knee issues & work/life balance needed it's fell to the back of the list & it's time to re-address that. So working on starting to get flat back in order.

So here's to more good mornings like I had today to make my day a great day & look forward to better things in life for this next chapter of my life...

Stumbling blocks to my plans...

As those who have been following me over the years now, I have been working on getting to be stick free after a major op on my left leg. Well its like 10yrs now & again my knee has locked up on me in February & I am back on my stick atm & relying on painkillers for a bit. But this time its a game changer as after been referred to do some Hydrotherapy treatment it was bought to my attention in my medical records the results from latest scans shows I have early stages of Osteoarthritis in my knee & it is this that's causing my knee to fail on me & flare up & lock it.

So today I have visited my specialist about my knee & he didn't beat around the bush about the condition to my knee, simply put I will never be stick free. Instead I will be mostly stick free, my knee will never be healed as its a degenerative condition & the best I can do is manage it to slow the process. So it's not all doom & gloom, as explained by the specialist & also what I have read up on the condition is keeping active is the best method to manage it. Specialist is pleased I am working where I am on my feet all the time, walking & standing. Its the best way to build up my muscles & even with knee flaring up & back on the stick I haven't stopped working & it sure helps.

But what it does mean is I have to re-adjust my lifestyle some more, first is seating. Had to replace sofa with a recliner one so to minimise the knee being bent. Also helps when using hot & cold packs around the knee too.

Next I had to stop cycling, after pain had eased I purchased a basic turbo trainer so I can use the bicycle indoor where I can gently pedal my legs where it has no effort to aggravate knee on the lowest settings. Also limits the chance of aggravating the knee on the roads with twisting & turning the bike, jarring, drivers etc. This way helps control the environment & can limit my time & effort in using it. But after 6 weeks I am back cycling outside, going slow & gentle but am getting the miles in. But the planned sponsored rides are likely to be cancelled.

Other things I have to now avoid is kneeling & crouching, not the easiest of things to avoid so will learn eventually. I have to also to do regular exercises to build muscles up more in my legs from my gluts to my ankles.

Another thing is to get lighter bikes to help ease the effort of cycling, now I know Roadrunner is a light bike & in the middle of being repainted right now. But its not a good bike to do my shopping on, shape isnt right for it & so I need to find a lighter version to lil Trekr.

But I also need to think ahead, it clearly documented that a recumbent bike is the best bike to cycle with Osteoarthritis & as I know full well it's not going to fully improve, eventually a standard bike will not be helpful & have to go for a recumbent bike. So going to have to work out a saving plan on this as these bikes cost over £2k & more for the folding version as I can then store it indoors.

Other things I need to do will be to loose some weight, I was doing well on that but each flare up of the knee means I become less active & weight goes back on quicker than I had lost it. This sure wont help for the knee weight load. That's about it for now, its late & a lot to try get straight in my head after today's revelations so probably a few things I've forgotten atm.

I may not be stick free ever again, but I am sure hell gonna make the use of sticks as lil as possible & have my folding stick gathering dust where ever I go. The battle is not lost, just need to change the game plan... :)

Still on 2 legs...

Its been over 6 months now since I've been walking stick free (excluding the few times I need to when carrying heavy items) & wrote my blog On 2 Legs... Well what can I say since then? Actually a fair bit! lol

To start with I gone & got myself a part time job as a cleaner as part of a return to work scheme & even thos it didnt last 6 months, it was a good building block back into work. The work was light but on my feet & lots of stairs & I mean a Lot! 2 days work a week & on my feet for nearly 8hrs a day. hard work at first but as the weeks went on it did improve.

Then there's the cycling, if you've been following me on Twitter you would know I help at Re-Cycle from time to time. Well they helped me build my own roadie style bike that I built to suit me, as I needed something to keep pushing my boundaries. More on that later...

I did the 30 days of Biking again & again I did the Pedal for the Js sponsored cycle, but this time I went for the 50 miles route. So me & my lil Trekr went & conquered the ride.

 

This was great for me as it showed I'm still improving the leg strength & my own fitness, but it also was getting me ready for something that was going to push my boundaries more than I was expecting...

For you see I gone & won some tickets to a charity ride Nightrider London to raise money for your own chosen charity; it was over night, around London & 100km (62 miles). Definitely pushing my limits more than ever, I don't like London as a pedestrian let alone a cyclist, never cycled over night & going further than ever...

It was touch & go as if I would do it with train issues, weather & own personal stress relating to no job. But overcame that with a bit of help from friends & family & had the bike I built ready for action & I have named from the start as Roadrunner.

So on that day I did Nightrider London, I had actually cycled over 74 miles in a 24hr period. Sure was an emotional & physical moment for me, I'm actually achieving things now that I didn't even do before my leg went bad. Thinking about it does give me a lump in my throat as 2014 is proving to be a year I wasn't expecting it to be...

So I can safely say my leg & the rest of me are improving more & more & the leg is getting stronger as the months go by. ATM I am looking for work & looking for something that will allow me to push my boundaries a bit more than the last job. Of course I don't want to over do it & mess up years of physio, but I do see either the end of this year of sometime next year to be fully able bodied & clear the last hurdle of carrying heave loads across a room without the need of my stick...

A reflection on the past year of 2013

Well its almost Christmas day & already people, TV & radio are going on about New Years resolutions. I myself don't really do them, but I do try set goals to try achieve if possible & not an issue if I don't. Well 2013 has been one hell of a year where I have achieved so much more than I could ever thought I would do in a year.

All I wanted to achieve for the year was to improve my cycling, leg & hopefully get off my sticks. Must say the year had a bumpy start, all that snow for weeks/months. I was out in that snowy weather on my bike, enjoying the fact I could easily get about now on 2 wheels no matter the weather.

Got myself in the papers for a blog I did about the farcical works on potholes on just one road.

Then do another 30 days of Biking where I finally broke the 25 mile barrier in cycling. If anything I more than broke it, I thrashed it by cycling to Kelvedon & back & cycled the 35 miles sponsored cycle ride for Pedal of the J's which meant I did near on 40 miles that day.

Then in may I finally manage to move to Colchester to be closer to my beloved, it proved to be a blessing in so many ways as it opened up opportunities I didn't have before.

For starters, I got myself into volunteer work with Re-Cycle to help improve my legs though the cycling in Colchester was doing that already coz of its hills.

That gave me the opportunity to buy another bike, a lighter more suitable one to continue my improvements as I was reaching the peak on The Beast. But not to worry, my loyal Beast is still with me as my back up & winter bike. This is proving to live up to its name as the Trekker.

And another which I am building to be even lighter & for longer rides, hence the project name: Roadrunner.

So now 2/3 through the year & achieving quite a bit, but it was only just warming me up for October/November. For starters in October, I finally got off my sticks after 20yrs of dependency of them. As announced on YouTube 'A special announcement to all those who have been following me for the past few yrs & more...'

Then I decided to put pressure on Job Center to get help to return to work, so put on a course & the company staff running it was so impressed with my achievements, determination & willing to work. They only gone & offered me a p/t job which I started in the end of November. Its hard work but so loving it & slowly getting back into a work routine again & my leg is still continuing to improve.

So with only 1 week to go until end of the new year, I can safely say I have achieved far more this year than I ever expected. Its not been plain sailing, easy or straightforward but I got there in the end.

So what's next for 2014, TBH I really don't know as I'm still catching up mentally with what I achieved this year. I'll continue to improve my cycling, aim is to beat the 50 mile mark but I can see that I could go well past that but I wont fret if I don't. I am planning to do Pedal for the J's again too, get Roadrunner built might help with that so need to focus on that. Of course increase the hours I can do in work would be good, be great if I can be full time by end of the year but again I will take it easy to not make things worse for my leg. I don't want to undo this years good work.

So with a week to go, here's a farewell to 2013 & what a year its been & hello to 2014 & let see if you can blow my mind more than 2013 did!!

And this picture best sums up how I feel about all of this! :D

3 steps forward & 2 steps back!

Well if you dont know by now, I have a problem with my left hip & have done for over 18 months. This is on top of a disability I have had with left leg for well over 15 yrs.
Today I went to see Specialist after he tried over a month ago, an injection to relieve the problem which wore off 2hrs later. Even tho' injection wore off, it was a success. Well at least to the specialist, as it has now shown roughly what is wrong. Specialist told me its 1 of 2 things! 1st it's a lump on the ball part of the hip socket or 2nd, a tight muscle attached to the socket so it's in tension & overstretching when moving. This is great to me as they now know what to look for, now the bad bit!
They want to do a 3D scan of the ball socket, then send me to another specialist who an expert on both problems. This Specialist will then decide on how to go about fixing the prob, but I been told that it be something like this.
"A single operation to repair ball joint by pulling it out of the socket, sand off the lump (laymans term) & push it back in! If they find its not the socket & it's the muscle, so they can loosen this muscle by cutting it & let it grow back together to make it longer."
Now as simple as it's sounds & great it's going to be sorted, its crossed my mind as I told my mum. IT'S GONNA HURT LIKE HELL AFTER!!! More than it is now!
And not only that, but on checking both procedures. Its gonna take months to heal & I will require someone to look after me & practically become housebound! Talk about screwing up my plans for the new year! lol
But I cant let that stop me! If I have to go thru this to sort my hip out, then so be it! Something else was mentioned during today's meeting, the operation could fix my existing problem with my leg, but it's only a slim possibility!!!
Now isn't that an incentive! For then I can get back to my life & go after my dreams!!!
Now! All I need is the pain in my ribcage fixed after 6 yrs & I be on cloud 9! lol


UPDATE

Well they have done a 3D scan of the ball socket & sent me to another specialist who is an expert. This Specialist was then to decide on how to go about fixing the prob. But once I got there to see this Specialist, it all changed!
The Specialist has reviewed my scan & wanted me to have an X-ray there & then, so I did. When I saw him again, he decided that the problem isn't my hip but a Bone Cyst. Now this was dismissed 2 yrs back coz it was small. But now been told its grown & still growing & is across about 1/3 of the cross section of the bone. Thus the pain & left untouched the bone will snap!
So now I'm off to go into Hospital in the next few weeks for an injection to kill it & shrink it. Should take 3 months to do the job, all goes well.
Now if it dont, well the next method aint so nice! They cut out the Cyst, take bone off my Pelvic area which they mash up & inject back into where they removed the Cyst. And because of this, theres not much to hold me up in this cross section (25%). So they have to pin the bone together to stop it just snapping!

Now as you can understand I'm not to happy with this news, coz until its sorted my leg is not only in pain but can snap with any force against it (No Jumping!) lol. And aint exactly looking forward to the idea of option 2 if injection fails to work. Read up on it & injection isnt a perfect way to sort it, but is best to try 1st as no operation required.

Thankfully when I came out of the Hospital, I had a good friend to support me emotionally as I was a bit of a wreck. Many Thanks to her for being there & helping me!!
Completely threw me at the time, not what I was expecting! But now I had time to think, I just need to get on with it & let them do whats needed! I cant leave it be for it will get worse & break. But I am kinda reluctant to the idea of the op & bone graph!

Also am sorta thinking how can this cyst 1/2 way down my upper leg, cause pain in my hip? Guess its a game of elimination & the cyst needs doing so we will see! Thats all for now, enough of my rambling!! lol