End of 2017 & looks like I have more lifestyle changes to come in 2018

25yrs ago this very month I had an operation that had changed my life for good & I became disabled. The operation was to fix a problem with my left leg & had a 50:50 chance of working so I took the chance. It did not pay off & my life changed in ways I couldn't imagine & for the first 5yrs it was a dark period in my life fueled with pain & high levels of painkillers, but I pushed on & I would not let it beat me & at times it was close to doing so. I had lost so much in loosing the simple task of being active, walk & cycle.

So when I had the chance to walk stick free again after an operation in 2008 & got to a level 5yrs ago, I took it but it is a constant battle.

Unfortunately the years of inactivity as well as the right leg now following the same path as my left leg did 30yrs ago means walking stick free is getting more difficult & have already made changes to my lifestyle to not aggravate them & that includes cycling.

 

But as time goes on & I get older too, so does the condition keep changing & I have to try keep ahead of it as I have done for the past 3 decades. But today I got a letter to pass onto the Buss Pass Dept as evidence of my conditions & reading it has hit home to me as it is in black & white in writing & was not expecting it as was just expecting proof of my disability.

It has hit home & to be honest I have to face reality considering this week I am back on my stick due to my knee giving grief for not following the lifestyle rules at the weekend I had set & aggravated it. But don't worry I am not gonna give up on this, not in my nature but in the new year I need to think long & hard on changes to help improve my condition & I am already have the new ebike building project started with the purchase of the new bike to build into the new ebike.

But for now I am going to enjoy Christmas, spoil my lil Ellie & gonna enjoy plenty of Jack Daniels during the festive period. For 2018 is going to be a new year, new plans & ideas & plenty more to do to get the home, work & transportation made better for my disability...

Until then have a great Christmas & bloody well enjoy it!!! I sure am!!!

Pain, pain is not my friend...

For more than 1/2 of my life pain has lived with me but pain isn't my friend. It wakes me in the middle of the night when it feels like it, it drains me when I have to fight it, creeps up on me when I think I'm doing okay, tries to control me when I want to have a normal life.

 

But pain isn't my enemy, it doesn't control me, it fuels me, it's makes me fight, it gives me the fire to push the boundaries & determination to battle on.

People can see pain as a bad thing, I see pain like a companion that annoys & angers me but also encourages me to push harder, to beat it at its game. Pain has changed my life in ways I would never thought possible, changed me in ways as years gone on & will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

But pain has made me a better person, a better understanding of others around me. Pain is not my friend but it won't destroy me & no matter how tired it makes me, it will make me stronger the more it pushes me & hand me more challenges to overcome.

 

Irrational fears...

What is Irrational fears?
Here's one description of it, Some anxiety isn't generalized at all; on the contrary, it's attached to a specific situation or thing—like flying, animals, or crowds. If the fear becomes overwhelming, disruptive, and way out of proportion to the actual risk involved, it's a tell-tale sign of phobia, a type of anxiety disorder.
Although phobias can be crippling, they're not obvious at all times. In fact, they may not surface until you confront a specific situation and discover you're incapable of overcoming your fear. "A person who's afraid of snakes can go for years without having a problem," Winston says. "But then suddenly their kid wants to go camping, and they realize they need treatment."

Well yesterday I had an experience I just couldn't explain. Due to my leg & various other conditions & injures over the decades I have had many tests done. And for the past 25 or so years I have have countless no. of MRI scans. You know, the one you're slid into a tube & have loud clicking noises all around you. Well in the past I have had moans from the technicians for snoring as I find I just doze off.

So yesterday, I went for a routine blood test & MRI scan. Everything was fine, done all of this before tho coz they were running late & I had waited hours I was getting hungry. I got called into the changing area to remove all metallic items possible & lock them away, then went into the MRI room & still everything was fine. Technician asked the usual questions & I joked about how often I have been in one of these etc...

So up I climbed onto the scanning bed, techs got me into position on my back & strapped my arm down then strapped me down & I was feeling a bit uneasy. Slid me into the machine & BAM! I was shouting out to get me out! I really was not comfortable being in the machine, I just wanted to get out & not get back in! Daft as it was, for some unknown reason I just couldn't face being in that machine.

So as a result, techs had to reposition me face down in what they called the Superman position. Arm being scanned held above me & other by my side & this was uncomfortable. So in I went to be scanned & still I did not feel happy being in there, on top of that I had to endure 30 - 40 mins of scans & every bit of it was putting my arm in pain. And the pain increased as time went on, I had to hold the arm still & this just increased the pain.

So after the first scan, they pulled me out & told me to hold still as going to inject me with image enhancement fluid for next set of scans which was going to be another 20 mins. I just pulled myself upright with my good arm & said not a chance! I was not going to be able to go back in with how I was feeling or the level of pain I was in & was a level I haven't had in a very long time. So we left it at that & hopefully that will do, I sure hope it will. 

I went into the changing room to get my stuff & I just burst into tears. Now I aint one to be rattled easily, sure aint one to suffer irrational fears but for some reason but at that moment on that day in that place I suffered 'Irrational fear' & I have never felt anything like that ever & hopefully never will again! I didn't know what triggered it that day, the only thing I can think of is that I was hungry & that upset chemical balance in me. Well I sure hope it was! But I know this wont be my last scan & hopefully I can put this behind me & have the scans like I had before, I might suggest a different machine to help me on that.

I must say tho, the staff were great. I was so embarrassed, felt guilty of the NHS money I've wasted if this all has been for nothing. But I just couldn't control whatever had caused it, sure don't want to dwell on it & just want to put it down as a one off.