The road to recovery has taken a left turn & the end is nowhere to be seen!

At the end of 2017 I wrote about how things have been with my legs & lifestyle changes (End of 2017 & looks like I have more lifestyle changes to come in 2018), well unfortunately not everything has gone to plan as nothing has changed with work/life balance & legs continue to get worse & back onto my stick & unfortunately it has also had a knock on effect in everything else in my life especially cycling.

So at the end of 2018, I finally got to have my long awaited MRI scan after Christmas & in January I got a letter a week after the scan & it was an eye opener & scary too.

A bit of a shock is an understatement, I sure hell did not expect this to be honest. Just expected the same as what was said 30yrs ago with my left leg.

Well I went to see the specialist today, what I was shown has simply put my life in a spin!

Firstly I was shown these images taken from the MRI scan which I took photos of & highlighted the spinal cord.

As you can see the spinal cord has been severely compressed & likely has been for many years. As for the cause, well it turns out to be a shit storm of reasons! Firstly I have narrow channels for the nerves to feed from the spinal cord, thick bone structure but what I was not expecting to be told was the spinal cord is being pressed by the hip socket due to onset of osteoarthritis.

So the prognosis is simple, leave it be & eventually I will loose the use of my legs & possibly more in that area from the waist down as already having symptoms it is not just the legs being affected. Or as highly recommended have an operation to decompress the spinal cord. This will help relieve the pressure on the cord but as made quite clear, it will not undo any damage already been done & could actually do some damage during the procedure. There are risks like all operations but to be honest other than death there is nothing that won't happen anyway if I don't do anything about it.

So within the next 4 to 6 months time I will be having the operation & honestly it is freaking me out a bit but there is not really any other choice. But it's after the operation that's gonna be the test for me, the 2 days in hospital I am fine with, as well as having someone look after me at home for 1-2 weeks. It's the time I have to take off work that is gonna be difficult, I have been told I am to stay off work & take it easy for around 3 months & that includes no cycling & after that period I need to return to work gradually & same goes with cycling.

I have been told after the operation, don't expect the legs to improve, maybe slightly worse but should not be in pain any more. With this & now know I have osteoarthritis, it is clear I will likely not be stick free anymore, tho make a damn good try in being stick free. What it does mean is I have now a constant battle to keep walking & cycling & no end in sight to win this battle.

Make me quite glad I finally got my Wet Room when finished this week as gonna need it but I do know now, the new eBike is needed more than ever!!

Irrational fears...

What is Irrational fears?
Here's one description of it, Some anxiety isn't generalized at all; on the contrary, it's attached to a specific situation or thing—like flying, animals, or crowds. If the fear becomes overwhelming, disruptive, and way out of proportion to the actual risk involved, it's a tell-tale sign of phobia, a type of anxiety disorder.
Although phobias can be crippling, they're not obvious at all times. In fact, they may not surface until you confront a specific situation and discover you're incapable of overcoming your fear. "A person who's afraid of snakes can go for years without having a problem," Winston says. "But then suddenly their kid wants to go camping, and they realize they need treatment."

Well yesterday I had an experience I just couldn't explain. Due to my leg & various other conditions & injures over the decades I have had many tests done. And for the past 25 or so years I have have countless no. of MRI scans. You know, the one you're slid into a tube & have loud clicking noises all around you. Well in the past I have had moans from the technicians for snoring as I find I just doze off.

So yesterday, I went for a routine blood test & MRI scan. Everything was fine, done all of this before tho coz they were running late & I had waited hours I was getting hungry. I got called into the changing area to remove all metallic items possible & lock them away, then went into the MRI room & still everything was fine. Technician asked the usual questions & I joked about how often I have been in one of these etc...

So up I climbed onto the scanning bed, techs got me into position on my back & strapped my arm down then strapped me down & I was feeling a bit uneasy. Slid me into the machine & BAM! I was shouting out to get me out! I really was not comfortable being in the machine, I just wanted to get out & not get back in! Daft as it was, for some unknown reason I just couldn't face being in that machine.

So as a result, techs had to reposition me face down in what they called the Superman position. Arm being scanned held above me & other by my side & this was uncomfortable. So in I went to be scanned & still I did not feel happy being in there, on top of that I had to endure 30 - 40 mins of scans & every bit of it was putting my arm in pain. And the pain increased as time went on, I had to hold the arm still & this just increased the pain.

So after the first scan, they pulled me out & told me to hold still as going to inject me with image enhancement fluid for next set of scans which was going to be another 20 mins. I just pulled myself upright with my good arm & said not a chance! I was not going to be able to go back in with how I was feeling or the level of pain I was in & was a level I haven't had in a very long time. So we left it at that & hopefully that will do, I sure hope it will. 

I went into the changing room to get my stuff & I just burst into tears. Now I aint one to be rattled easily, sure aint one to suffer irrational fears but for some reason but at that moment on that day in that place I suffered 'Irrational fear' & I have never felt anything like that ever & hopefully never will again! I didn't know what triggered it that day, the only thing I can think of is that I was hungry & that upset chemical balance in me. Well I sure hope it was! But I know this wont be my last scan & hopefully I can put this behind me & have the scans like I had before, I might suggest a different machine to help me on that.

I must say tho, the staff were great. I was so embarrassed, felt guilty of the NHS money I've wasted if this all has been for nothing. But I just couldn't control whatever had caused it, sure don't want to dwell on it & just want to put it down as a one off.