Minor blip in my plans....

Around 9 month ago after years of physio & determination, I thought I had finally conquered my disability, getting to full health & be stick free once & for all. Even getting on well with cycling & long rides with no issues after.

Well 3 weeks ago that all went to pot when my knee decided to go on me again after nearly 2 yrs of physio to sort it. It went so much so I was in agony & had to make a visit to the A&E where I eventually came back out on crutches & strong painkillers.

So for the first time in a long time I felt somethings I haven't felt in nearly 2 decades when my leg first went bad, disappointment & despair. It didn't help that the painkillers were making the mind all fuzzy & for the first time since I moved to Essex I wished I was back at Farnham, but not for what you might think. It was the flat I am thinking of, being on ground floor & having a garden is what I am missing at the moment. So I can relax & feel OK with it all as the cats would've had freedom to go in the garden & some where I can recuperate. Now there's nothing wrong with my current flat or it's location. Its the fact its in need of decorating & no garden I can easily get to as I'm on the 1st floor.

After 2 weeks, I finally came off the painkillers & crutches but still using the stick. Seen the GP to get a referral to a specialist as obviously the physio isn't working. And my brain is trying to adjust back to how I was years ago & I'm having issues with this, basically I am getting sick & tired with all this. I just want to get on with how I was doing before the knee went again, I aint as young to re-adjust again like I was 20yrs ago & really need to get this knee sorted.

At the moment I am feeling I wish I never had the damn operation to get me stick free as now going back on them is doing my head in & feel like I've been cruelly teased with a stick free life right now as I am back to how I was almost a decade ago & not know just yet when I be stick free again if at all.

So out of this I do feel I need to focus more on certain things, like everyone else we all have this where we have so many things going around in our heads & sometimes it's too much & need to re-evaluate & decide what is important right now. For me I need to sort my leg, a job & generally get my life back on track. The rest will have to wait or give way to what is more important.

So for now, just watch this space as I dunno how the next few weeks, months or years will pan out. I am hoping to try a short gentle cycle ride in a week or so time to test the waters to see if knee can cope. Then go from there, but most of all try not get stressed as I know that never helps the recovery.

Still on 2 legs...

Its been over 6 months now since I've been walking stick free (excluding the few times I need to when carrying heavy items) & wrote my blog On 2 Legs... Well what can I say since then? Actually a fair bit! lol

To start with I gone & got myself a part time job as a cleaner as part of a return to work scheme & even thos it didnt last 6 months, it was a good building block back into work. The work was light but on my feet & lots of stairs & I mean a Lot! 2 days work a week & on my feet for nearly 8hrs a day. hard work at first but as the weeks went on it did improve.

Then there's the cycling, if you've been following me on Twitter you would know I help at Re-Cycle from time to time. Well they helped me build my own roadie style bike that I built to suit me, as I needed something to keep pushing my boundaries. More on that later...

I did the 30 days of Biking again & again I did the Pedal for the Js sponsored cycle, but this time I went for the 50 miles route. So me & my lil Trekr went & conquered the ride.

 

This was great for me as it showed I'm still improving the leg strength & my own fitness, but it also was getting me ready for something that was going to push my boundaries more than I was expecting...

For you see I gone & won some tickets to a charity ride Nightrider London to raise money for your own chosen charity; it was over night, around London & 100km (62 miles). Definitely pushing my limits more than ever, I don't like London as a pedestrian let alone a cyclist, never cycled over night & going further than ever...

It was touch & go as if I would do it with train issues, weather & own personal stress relating to no job. But overcame that with a bit of help from friends & family & had the bike I built ready for action & I have named from the start as Roadrunner.

So on that day I did Nightrider London, I had actually cycled over 74 miles in a 24hr period. Sure was an emotional & physical moment for me, I'm actually achieving things now that I didn't even do before my leg went bad. Thinking about it does give me a lump in my throat as 2014 is proving to be a year I wasn't expecting it to be...

So I can safely say my leg & the rest of me are improving more & more & the leg is getting stronger as the months go by. ATM I am looking for work & looking for something that will allow me to push my boundaries a bit more than the last job. Of course I don't want to over do it & mess up years of physio, but I do see either the end of this year of sometime next year to be fully able bodied & clear the last hurdle of carrying heave loads across a room without the need of my stick...

Irrational fears...

What is Irrational fears?
Here's one description of it, Some anxiety isn't generalized at all; on the contrary, it's attached to a specific situation or thing—like flying, animals, or crowds. If the fear becomes overwhelming, disruptive, and way out of proportion to the actual risk involved, it's a tell-tale sign of phobia, a type of anxiety disorder.
Although phobias can be crippling, they're not obvious at all times. In fact, they may not surface until you confront a specific situation and discover you're incapable of overcoming your fear. "A person who's afraid of snakes can go for years without having a problem," Winston says. "But then suddenly their kid wants to go camping, and they realize they need treatment."

Well yesterday I had an experience I just couldn't explain. Due to my leg & various other conditions & injures over the decades I have had many tests done. And for the past 25 or so years I have have countless no. of MRI scans. You know, the one you're slid into a tube & have loud clicking noises all around you. Well in the past I have had moans from the technicians for snoring as I find I just doze off.

So yesterday, I went for a routine blood test & MRI scan. Everything was fine, done all of this before tho coz they were running late & I had waited hours I was getting hungry. I got called into the changing area to remove all metallic items possible & lock them away, then went into the MRI room & still everything was fine. Technician asked the usual questions & I joked about how often I have been in one of these etc...

So up I climbed onto the scanning bed, techs got me into position on my back & strapped my arm down then strapped me down & I was feeling a bit uneasy. Slid me into the machine & BAM! I was shouting out to get me out! I really was not comfortable being in the machine, I just wanted to get out & not get back in! Daft as it was, for some unknown reason I just couldn't face being in that machine.

So as a result, techs had to reposition me face down in what they called the Superman position. Arm being scanned held above me & other by my side & this was uncomfortable. So in I went to be scanned & still I did not feel happy being in there, on top of that I had to endure 30 - 40 mins of scans & every bit of it was putting my arm in pain. And the pain increased as time went on, I had to hold the arm still & this just increased the pain.

So after the first scan, they pulled me out & told me to hold still as going to inject me with image enhancement fluid for next set of scans which was going to be another 20 mins. I just pulled myself upright with my good arm & said not a chance! I was not going to be able to go back in with how I was feeling or the level of pain I was in & was a level I haven't had in a very long time. So we left it at that & hopefully that will do, I sure hope it will. 

I went into the changing room to get my stuff & I just burst into tears. Now I aint one to be rattled easily, sure aint one to suffer irrational fears but for some reason but at that moment on that day in that place I suffered 'Irrational fear' & I have never felt anything like that ever & hopefully never will again! I didn't know what triggered it that day, the only thing I can think of is that I was hungry & that upset chemical balance in me. Well I sure hope it was! But I know this wont be my last scan & hopefully I can put this behind me & have the scans like I had before, I might suggest a different machine to help me on that.

I must say tho, the staff were great. I was so embarrassed, felt guilty of the NHS money I've wasted if this all has been for nothing. But I just couldn't control whatever had caused it, sure don't want to dwell on it & just want to put it down as a one off.